


if you've lost your way (i will leave a light on)

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 20:32:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15759153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: He forgot when he was lost in his own head that there were people around him that cared for him, it was just telling them that was the problem.or Dan, a therapy session, and being kind to yourself.





	if you've lost your way (i will leave a light on)

**Author's Note:**

> this story came to me on a highway with a pounding headache.
> 
> i've been having issues with writing lately, it's just seemed like an impossible thing that i'm still working through. so this is one of the ways i'm working through it by attempting to write about it, this story deals with a lot of lack of creativity and how depression can sometimes (if not all the time) be that block. 
> 
> thanks to **@quercussp** for reading, for listening, for being an amazing friend.  <3
> 
> title from song 'leave a light on' - tom walker

One of the first things that Dan does when he sits down on the couch is grab one of the many throw pillows. He places it over his stomach, it gives him something to hold onto, some faux sense of security that if he just holds onto this one thing, everything can be okay. He knows that it doesn’t work like that, but it was a comfort thing. He’s wearing a long sleeve, his backpack is sitting on the ground by his feet and his phone is in his lap. Another security. It’s a bit complicated, his phone, social media is one of the reasons why he’s here, but he can never truly disconnect from it. 

His therapists asks if he wants a bottle of water. He shakes his head. He’s good, probably _should_ drink some water because of the walk here but he declines. He doesn’t want to take up more space than he already does. He doesn’t want to talk or move more than he needs to. 

His legs are shaking, his therapist notices it, she smiles a little, mentally noting how that’s one his telltale signs that he’s nervous. He _is_ nervous. He feels like he’s just a walking billboard at this point. His nails are completely chewed off to a point where there was blood pooling on the side, he’s got a hangnail on one and a plaster to cover it up so he stops picking at it. He can’t remember the last time he had a nutritional meal that wasn’t between the hours 8pm to 3am. His sleeping habits have gone to shit, and he’s been radio silent online. 

He knows that people are worried, he reads over Phil’s shoulder tweets directed at Phil, wondering if Dan is okay. 

Dan gulps now, just thinking about it makes him feel that pit of anxiety that he’s had the past couple of months. It was like he was teetering over the edge, teasing it like it was a game to see how close he can get before he went flying off. He just wanted to sometimes, tired of pretending that he was in control and that he could rein himself back in from going too far. There was a part of him that wanted to. 

Except. 

He didn’t want to let anyone down. 

He winces now, he still hasn’t said anything. 

“You’re nervous.” she starts, she gives him a small polite smile. 

Dan nods, gulping, running a hand through his hair. 

“Thanks for letting me come in on such late notice.” He starts off, his eyes track her face, but the amount of attention she’s giving him overwhelms him like it always does, especially when he’s feeling so bad. 

“That’s okay. I’m glad our schedules worked out this time,” She picks up her pen, she doesn’t write anything, she just has it in her hands and Dan tries to not concentrate on that. 

“I’m having a hard time,” He starts off, he chews on his bottom lip before taking another breath. “I don’t know where to start. It doesn’t really all make sense to me yet.” 

Dan can hear people walking up and down the hall. Other therapists saying goodbye to patients, (but that’s not the word they like to use here), maybe they’re feeling relieved after an hour session. This has been his second visit in two weeks. Phil has been asking if he’s okay because of it, and Dan wants to tell him the truth, but he’s just been nodding his head. _It’s just a thing he’s going through._

It _is_ a thing he’s going through, but there’s something else that’s there, lurking in the shadows waiting for Dan to put down his guard and he’s scared for it because of what’ll happen.

“Okay, start where you’re comfortable.” She encourages and he feels the anxiety in his stomach again. 

Thinking about it, talking about it, anything closely related to it just made him feel queasy. 

“I’m not comfortable with any of it?” He sighs, smiling despite how painful this felt. 

He stops, ready to pick at his nails again before remembering. He clutches the pillow and glances down at his phone and then hands it over to his therapist who takes it. 

“I’m scared that I’ll never be able to make videos again.” He starts off, he shakes his head, ready to backtrack, “I mean, there’s the gaming channel, that’s—that’s easier. I guess I’m scared that I’ll never be able to make my own _solo_ videos again.”

There’s a feeling of relief saying it out loud followed by the bitter aftertaste. It hurts. It hurts and Dan wished he could articulate how much it hurts. He’s been holding it in for so long and he has more that he wants to say but there wouldn’t be enough time to say everything. 

“It just feels like I have nothing left? Like there’s no creativity left in me. I tried to film the other day but just grabbing the camera and setting it up completely turned me off. I stumbled through the first five minutes before I just left it,” He takes another breath. 

His legs are still shaking. 

She notices and puts her pen and paper to the side. 

“Dan, let’s do some breathing exercises. I’ll do it with you.” 

Dan sits up straight. 

“Breathe in for three seconds and exhale slowly.” 

His breathing is shaky at first, his anxiety is bouncing off the walls in his chest, so they do it again, and then a third time. 

He’s stopped shaking at least. 

“Okay.” She says with another smile, “You will be able to make videos again. You’re just in a creative block right now. That’s normal. You have a lot going on in your life. “ 

_Not enough_ , he adds mentally, wanting to wince at how it all sounds now that he said his fears out loud. 

“It’s my job though.” He whispers. 

She shrugs. “Yeah, but you’re lucky that you have a little leeway with how you do your job, yeah? You’re still making gaming videos.” She pauses, reaching over for her water bottle and Dan looks at his phone sitting by her on the table. 

“Why do you think you have a creative block?” 

The question stumps him. 

His mind goes blank trying to think of all the excuses that he came up with on the way here. He’s not sure why. It’s just he gets like this sometimes. His creative process never made sense to anyone else but him, he knows that if he were to just sit down and force himself he could do it, but then he wouldn’t be happy with it, and he’d delete whatever it was. He wished that he could be better when it came to things like making videos, he wished that he was able to give people what they wanted when it came down to that. It was easy with Phil because it wasn’t all on him, there wasn’t this big expectation to do really anything else, despite the fact that he was the one that put the expectations on himself. He was always his own worst enemy but it was like this month especially drained everything out of him and he was wondering where all those pieces went and if they’d ever come back. 

He knows that he just needed to be himself when it came to his videos, make things that he knew people could connect to, it was just hard when he felt like he didn’t know who he was anymore and how disconnected he felt from everyone around him. 

“Depression.” He laughs. It’s not funny, but sometimes he needed to say it out loud and validate that it’s what it was. 

“Yeah.” She says with a soft voice, her smile is one of empathy. “I think so too. Have you been doing your workouts? Made plans with friends?” 

“The first one. Not so much the second one.” 

It’s easy for him to do his workouts, it’s at home, he does his hour of yoga and he can feel better for those brief moments of endorphins that it gives him but then he doesn’t want to do anything else after that. Going out and making plans with friends is always a complicated thing for other reasons that he doesn’t want to get into, but it’s also just the fact that doing more than the bare minimum wears him out. 

“And you don’t want to go back on medication?” It’s amazing that there’s another person that knows him better than maybe himself and Phil. She can almost read his mind better than he can, and it’s both a relief but it also terrifies him. He shakes his head, because he wants to be able to get past this. It’s just right now he was in the worst of it. 

“It’s like I get these intervals of feeling okay, but then I overthink something and I get bad, and then I go back to feeling okay. It’s like I’m constantly faking myself out of going over the edge but never actually doing it.” 

He clutches the pillow closer, grabbing a second pillow to cover his side. 

“Have you thought about writing your feelings out? Like say in a journal or maybe a word document?” 

Dan shakes his head. He knew that he was complicated when he was like this. He felt like he was too much for people. Phil had been giving him suggestions on what he could do but he never took them because just thinking about it overwhelmed him. He had so many things happening he felt overstimulated and like everything was out of his control.

“Try it. Even if it’s just a couple of words, at least it’s out there somewhere.” She encourages with a small nod. 

“I’m afraid that people will leave if they haven’t already left.” He doesn’t know if he’s saying this about people online or people in real life, sometimes they blended together. 

She shakes her head. “People will still be there even if you leave for a little while.”

Dan could almost cry. 

“You need to be kind to yourself, too, Daniel.” She grabs his phone and hands it over to him. 

He takes it noticing a text message from Phil that he’ll read later.  
“I want to see you soon. Let me know when you’re available.” She gets up to walk him out the door. Dan takes another breath putting the pillows back where they belong and reaching down to get his backpack. 

“If you can’t take it by day, take it by minute, and if not by minute, then by seconds. See you soon.”

“Thank you,” he says, his voice feels lost but he manages to get the words out. 

He walks to the loo and heads straight to an open stall just to let himself breathe. He’s shaking a little bit, but he always shakes like this, it’s like his body had all of this built up tension and when he releases some of it his body doesn’t know what to do with itself. He does the breathing exercises from earlier and waits until the person that walked in a few seconds ago finishes so Dan can leave. 

He looks back at his therapists closed door and he takes his phone out of his pocket looking at the text message notification. He takes another deep breathing opening his phone. 

_I hope therapy goes well. I already picked a movie out for us tonight and decided to get some stuff to make burrito bowls <3_

Dan smiles. 

_love you._

He shoves his phone back in his pocket. He’ll get a tea and take the long way home.

*

When Dan gets home he’s greeted with one of his favourite candles being burned, all of Phil’s socks that were in different corners of the house are gone, the shoes are straightened out and the jackets hung up, the only mess is Phil’s chopped lettuce. 

Dan doesn’t make the grand entrance that he normally does when it’s been a long day and all he wants to do is talk Phil’s ear off about it. He’s quiet, a little sleepy, but he feels lighter from earlier. The anxiety hasn’t gone away, the clouds haven’t cleared but there’s a little bit of light shining through those dark cracks. 

He looks at Phil while he’s in his element. He’s done some editing today, Dan can tell by the way his hair is completely pushed back. He runs his hands through it when he’s frustrated with software programs crashing or audio not working. Life at home is still the same even if Dan felt like he was changing a little bit. 

Phil looks up at Dan’s stare and he smiles at him. 

It hurts Dan, but it’s a good kind of hurt. 

There’s something warm that touches Dan’s heart watching the way Phil finishes something he’s created, even if it’s just the salad for their bowls. He knows that he’s over emotional about earlier but it was nice to feel something good like that after a month of just pure dread. He knows that this feeling may not last long but it was just a reminder that even the bad feelings are able to go away for a while. 

So Dan washes his hands and grabs the two bowls and takes some lettuce to put them equally in each bowl, and then he gets the rest of their add ins from the fridge that’s already been prepared by Phil. When he’s done he watches Phil cut the cooked chicken, Dan places a hand on the back of Phil’s neck and gives it a gentle squeeze, his fingers running through his hair, he leans in to kiss by his ear and jaw. Phil smiles, just happy to see Dan happy. 

Sometimes Phil has to exist for him like this. Making most of the meals, picking out movies, and making plans with friends when Dan can’t- but they were a team, and sometimes Dan needed to take a break to work on himself, this was no different. 

In the middle of their movie Phil wraps his arms around Dan, maybe sensing that he needed some kind of affection. He doesn’t ask how therapy goes, for the most part he can tell with how Dan holds himself, and he doesn’t want to pry, but Dan knows that he wonders. He’ll tell him everything when he’s ready, right now he just wants this. This moment when the world isn’t so shaky and his head isn’t so cloudy. 

“Okay?” Phil asks, his smile is small, he’s moving hair off Dan’s forehead.

“Yeah.” Dan nods, “Getting there.” 

*

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to make videos again,” Dan says at 2:30 in the morning. 

Phil turns in their bed to look at Dan again. He reaches out to cup Dan’s face. He doesn’t say anything, just lets Dan talk it out. 

“I’m afraid that there’s nothing left creatively. Like I’ve run out of all of my ideas.” Dan pulls the covers up to shelter him. Phil moves closer, sheltering both of them. 

“What did your therapist say?” Phil asks, his thumb caresses his cheek and Dan closes his eyes. 

“That I will. I just need to give myself time.” 

When Dan opens his eyes Phil is staring at him. 

Phil still notices him even when Dan feels invisible. 

“I think she’s right. Good things come to those who wait, yeah?” He jokes, pressing his lips against Dan’s nose. 

Dan makes a scrunching face but his heart feels better. He had been holding it in for so long from Phil that even just giving him a tiny bit of what was happening in his head felt like relief. 

“You just need to get some sleep now. We can tackle this tomorrow.” Phil wraps his arms around Dan, filling up the spaces in between them. 

Dan closes his eyes, knowing that when they woke up Phil would be true to his word. He forgot when he was lost in his own head that there were people around him that cared for him, it was just telling them that was the problem. He had always thought that if he shut people out it would save them but really it was just prolonging the hurt. He knew that there were things that he needed to learn to deal with better, and that this creative block was just that. A block. But blocks can be hurdled over, sometimes with the help from other people if only he reached out to ask. He’d start doing that. 

Which reminded him. 

He reached out to grab his phone to send a message to his therapist. 

_i’m available to see you next week._  
_here’s to being kinder to myself._

Dan was a work in progress, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/177253364548/if-youve-lost-your-way-i-will-leave-a-light-on) on tumblr.


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